Mother As FateMay 07, 2023
I ran away from home at 16 years old.
Well, I’ve moved to a different country to go to a Bible college (yes, there was that chapter in my life), but in reality, I was running. I wanted to be away from my very bizarre family environment that had zero personal space, peace, and freedom I longed for. I needed as big of a physical distance from my family so I could begin my process of individuation - seeking my true self.
When I married a man that was a copy of a man my mother would choose for herself, even though I swore to never be like her, to never choose men as she did, and one day, returning home from work and looking into my then-husband, a cold sweat ran down my spine from a realization: “I have done exactly like my mother. I am feeling the exact feelings of frustration and resentment toward the masculine as my mother did.”
That was a defining moment of realization that even though I was on the other side of the world from my mother, I brought her with me through my unconscious patterns and choices.
I tried to reject her.
I tried to ignore her.
I tried to punish her with my distance and silence.
And all I did was reject myself, my feminine essence, ignoring the voice of the body, and punishing myself with distance from my own heart.
The pain of being an unmothered daughter, so desperate for her to nurture me, to really see me, and to feel me.
That pain pushed me into building a very dense masculine shield around my wounds.
Especially the abandonment wound that formed in my pre-verbal years.
In the first year of my life, I was left without my mother.
Only a month I spent in my mother’s arms after my birth. She had to pass me to my grandmother, away from her breast, straight to the bottle feeding, as she had to fly back to the other side of the country to find a way to return to work to take care of my older sister who was only 2 years old.
My mother couldn’t mother me how I longed for because she was in dire survival.
She worked two labor intense jobs to have a roof under her head and to have something to eat.
My infant self did not have the capacity to understand her intense circumstances.
My infant self was forced to curl up and self-protect.
A year later, my mother returned to take me with her.
As a young child, I idolized my mother. I wanted to be around her as much as possible. She even gave me a sweet pet name, “My little tail.” As I was always eager to accompany her anywhere she went. I craved a physical closeness with her for it was something I never got as a newborn.
Things radically shifted when I entered my teenage years.
A sudden coldness began to overcome me.
I knew I had to love my mother but my emotions froze.
All I felt was distance and numbness within.
I couldn’t wait to leave that strange and chaotic place, my family environment, and to never ever be like my mother.
I wanted to be different.
To contrast my mother’s lack of personal style or her innate tomboyishness, I model after my best friend's mother’s grace as a dance teacher.
To contrast my mother’s strange choices of men, I decided to wait until I was married for my first sexual experience.
To contrast my mother spins into a rage, I suppressed all traces of anger and never allowed myself to even raise my tone in the argument.
I wanted to be different.
Alas, I did not know the surprising way we live our parent’s fate.
“Until we make the unconscious conscious, we manifest it as external events, and we call it FATE.” - Carl Jung
That fated day, 16 years ago, standing at the threshold of our small 1 bedroom apartment in Oregon, looking at my husband, feeling the cold sweat running down my spine.
“OMG, I have become my mother. I chose a man that she would choose. I am feeling the same feelings as she felt.”
Months later I asked for a divorce.
I needed to wake up and to heal.
I needed to find my true self.
I needed to unwind the ancestral wiring that was embedded in my every cell.
Healing the Mother/Daughter Split is a true Heroine’s Journey.
Every ambitious, high-achieving woman in our masculine-focused society, had at some point, rejected her inner feminine.
Rejection happens unconsciously, as a shift of values in one’s life.
Driven to succeed and make life on our terms, so as not to be like our mother, we anchor in our inner father archetype.
To navigate the business world of fierce competition, we learn to put our emotions aside, ignore our intuition, and begin to rely on logic and “making it at all cost.”
When the body eventually collapses and we go through a health crisis or enter a deep melancholy, or even depression, when joy does not return and everything feels gray, we are humble and raw enough to begin to listen…
The soul speaks and we are finally able to hear its soft voice.
The desire to heal and reconnect to our intuition, our body, our tenderness, and our true rhythm in life.
We begin to seek the Feminine.
First, in contact with Nature, then in women’s circles and nourishing spiritual community, then in our own bodies.
All of this is a part of the process of healing The Mother's Wound.
It is lengthy, it is messy, it is vulnerable, and it is absolutely crucial on the path of awakening.
All roads lead to Home.
To our Core Human Wounds.
The Mother Wound - Abandonment.
The Father Wound - I am not enough.
To not have the emotional or spiritual presence of one’s mother during the crucial development of a child’s life, is to experience the wound of abandonment. To have a mother that was too emotionally immature to have us, like in my case, my mother was a child herself, utterly unprepared to have me.
The healing takes place when we decide to take our mother off the hook.
Off the hook of guilt and resentment, because we finally see if things remain the same, we will never feel free.
The healing takes place when we are willing to change the perception of our mother, beyond her mother archetype, as a human being with her own mother’s wound.
The healing takes place when we choose to open our hearts to her and to forgive, instead of keep punishing her by pushing her away.
The healing brings a miracle from the liberation of unconscious fate toward a Conscious Destiny.
Not only can we heal the wounds with our earthly mother, but we can also heal a much bigger archetypal wound, and reconnect with the Divine Mother, thus healing the depths of the archetypal wound of feeling like a human orphan.
On this Mother’s Day week, I am hosting a very unique masterclass that is dedicated to the Healing of the Mother’s Wound.
For people of all genders, this class can bring a profound understanding that our mother is our First Love…
And our first Wound.
Our initial experience of our mother’s love sets an energetic blueprint for our relationship with intimacy.
Our emotional safety in the world and our self-worth.
From the perspective of the Soul, our mother and I have a sacred soul agreement to play these roles in this incarnation.
To have the ability to zoom out of our human personalities and to see our relationship on a soul level, can be deeply liberating.
If you yearn for a healing experience with your mother and your inner feminine,
I invite you to attend a masterclass I am teaching this coming Wed.
To heal our Mother Wound is to experience inner peace and freedom like no other.
I wrote about my Mother in one of my blogs >>> here, and now she and I have the most real and authentic relationship we've ever had.
We don't try to change each other, we are authentically curious about each other, and I consider her my key life teacher.
To heal the Mother Wound is to have profound healing with our Inner Feminine - the source of our creativity, magic, joy, and spiritual essence.
If you feel called to this experience, trust your inner yes.
May 10th, at 12 pm Pacific.
A replay will be offered.
Join Wisdom Collective if you desire to receive ongoing support from me and be around kindred souls.
This masterclass is free for all the members of Wisdom Collective.
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