Are You Going Too Fast?Mar 14, 2023
“Are you going too fast?”
I am sitting in the warm and cozy office of my new spiritual guide; soft lightning, chairs facing each other for a conversation, everywhere I look there are symbols of spiritual life and creativity: buddha figurines, inspirational quotes on canvas, spiritual books…
I just listed with great enthusiasm all the projects I am bringing to the world and with a twinkle in her eyes, she offers me this question: “Are you going too fast?”
Are you going too fast?
“It’s all about my Purpose, my mission, and my work in the world. I feel as if I am riding the biggest momentum of my life. This is the chapter I’ve been waiting for all this time. To do the work that I am meant to do.”
I look into her eyes and all I see is the depth of wisdom.
“Flip it around,” she tells me, “Value your personal experience. From now on, a robust top priority relationship with yourself is the meaning of your life. Your service to the world is an off-shoot of your relationships with yourself.
IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU NOW, Katerina.
Don’t make yourself second.”
My eyes swelled with tears, my body resonating with the truth of her words.
“Let go of saving the world or changing the world.
IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU.
Does this serve your highest purpose?
Your highest need?
If you follow that, you will grow exponentially.
If you make yourself second to your work, it will ENSLAVE you.”
Writers live twice. As I write about that conversation, I am reliving the truth of that moment and my body is integrating the wisdom received even deeper that the first time.
The pattern of putting myself second (or last) has been a survival strategy in my childhood. To earn my mother’s love and approval, I’ve made an unconscious decision to ask for as little as possible, to never get in the way, and to be first to volunteer to help. I was willing to do whatever needed to be around my mother, standing in lines for hours during Soviet times, when the government was generating scarcity in the collective.
Our mother is our first true love, the lens through which we first experience the world. When I understood the connection between how I see my mother is how I see Life, things began to unravel at a massive speed. Looking at those blind loyalties to self-sacrifice, putting myself second, being married to my work, and feeling like I have to earn the right to play and rest.
IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU NOW.
I hear my teacher’s words and I integrate them into my psyche with reverence.
Commitment number 1 is to honor what your teachers share with you.
So I dig deeper and deeper. I begin to watch closely for that pattern of putting myself second and when I find it, I accept it. I embrace it. I allow it…until it dissolves into my softness, into my non-resistance.
Slowly I am turning my Ship, the Ship of Life…I am pivoting gently, adjusting my intentions, and aligning my energies.
Fill your cup first and then give to the world from the overflow.
- From my journal entry,
photo by Mattia Faloretti
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