How I Work With Confusion and Doubt

This weekend I went on a digital detox. 

I pulled all of my energies into my mini retreat. A personal bubble of solitude, stillness, and rest. I deleted the social media app on my phone so I am not even tempted to “check in”. I entered a sacred pause. I feel intuitively - alchemy awaiting me. The next slice of shadow work to transmute. Two very dense shadows were given to me to work through: confusion and doubt. They come together: a feeling of your life being covered in a fog (confusion) and whether you will ever find your way out of it (doubt).

The most important thing when it comes to shadow alchemy is surrender, which is an art, truly. To find a way to still your nervous system.  To learn to watch the mind - and if and when the mind begins to panic, you can get gently redirect it to body awareness. The more the mind wants to cling to the dark thoughts or agitating thoughts, the more it is key to shift towards the body, asking the body “What would feel good to you right now?” 

The body does not know how to lie, it is so honest. It will always say what it needs. Just ask. You will see.

“I’d like to go on a walk and be in nature,” - the body tells me. It is windy outside, the sun is out, I put on extra layers, warm boots, sunglasses, and headphones to listen to some mantras. I walk slowly down to the beach and melt into the sand. The tide is low, the waves are majestic. I listen to the mantra, devotion arising in my heart, and then all I desire is to merge my entire being with the sounds of nature.

The body knows what it needs. It gives me clues. I remove the headphones, as the barrier between me and Spirit is all around me. With my eyes close, I begin to feel everything…the salt in the air, the rising and falling of the waves, the sand underneath my palms, and the laughter of the children. The sounds of Life are healing my mind. My tired human mind, which was so resistant to the shadow work and another alchemy that was given to it, surrendered effortlessly in nature.

“Nature returns our energy to us,” I hear the voice of Richard Rudd from one of his audio contemplations on the Gene Keys. 

Yes, indeed…it also returns us to our innocence…our courage…our ability to keep going through life with a soft heart…

I intuitively pick up my headphones again and listen to an audiobook by Wayne Dyer. I feel so lucky to listen to his voice at the press of a button. How incredible is technology? Wayne Dyer is gone and he is still with us all. Press the button and feel his frequency. I am listening to his contemplation on the Tao Te Ching; I am drinking the wisdom that he shares with my whole being. 

“We often think of God as a white man sitting somewhere above, judging us for our mistakes…but the Dao is compared to the vast ocean that welcomes all and rejects none. Source consciousness is like the ocean, available to all, independent of what we consider good or bad…Dao welcomes all.” 

I sit and listen to his words and I smile from the recognition of this profound truth: the Universe is our Cosmic Mother, welcomes us all, rejects none, restores us to our innocence, provides for all our needs, refuels our souls, and gives us the courage to keep moving forward. 

I take my headphones off again and I merge with the sounds of nature. 

I sit like that on the beach for hours. 

Outside of all concepts of time. 

Luxuriating in BEING. 

Being is the nature of the Universe.

And when I felt an impulse to begin my walk back home, I followed that. I sensed that my alchemy process was coming toward its natural completion. The shadows of confusion and doubt released the treasures hidden within them: an aurora of illumination and truth shone in my soul like a rare eclipse in the sky. 

I trust everything and resist nothing was the gem of my weekend. 

My roots are strong, my branches reach high. 

Like an oak tree, each alchemical storm given to me by the benevolence of my soul purifies the debris collected in the collective noise. 

Stillness gives strength. 

Clarity. 

Returns to innocence. 

Refuels soul. 

A new name was born out of that experience: SOUL-FUELING. 

It is different than self-care. 

It is a deep soul care that only nature, solitude, and inner alchemy can give. 

And from this place of alignment, I am back…

Katerina. 

- Written in 2019 

Thank you for reading! Feel free to share this blog with your friends and your community if you are inspired. 

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